Alter Ego

Have you ever met someone that makes you feel like...he's the one.
His beautiful eyes.
His sincere smile.
All those wonderful features of him.
His attitude. His perfect way of doing things.
You want him to be yours.
Overwhelmed by that beautiful feeling makes you feel so so so bad.
Plus your ego.
Plus all you your dreams that you need to achieve.
Plus your friendship with him.
You really need to preserve.
You really need to ignore that feeling.
Plus all your responsibilities towards others.
You really can't go on with this.
You're afraid that u're going to lose him.
But u'll lose him. Eventually.
That's life.
Bcse u don't deserve him.
You gotta find him somebody that is good enough for him.
You want him to be happy.
Instead of confessing.
You choose to do that.
You hope he's fine.
You hope he's much more happier with that girl.
She's perfect too.
And you choose to be alone, again.

Let's end this here bcse this is so not Aisyah. Let me, only this one.

I'll write this kind of stupid things only once in my entire life. So please pray for my heart. Haha. Don't ask anything. Don't judge. Just don't.

I really need to move on.

Potret

I love this song so much. I don't know why, this is the most beautiful song i've ever heard and it become even more beautiful when at the end, I can relate my life to this song.

It's been more than a year now, I lost a junior. A sister, a friend. She's irreplaceable. She's that kind of person who don't mind travelling for hours just to meet me for half an hour or to help me with alumni work. She's one of a kind.

I work even more harder, I make myself even more busier just to erase her from my daily thought. Kak Wan tried so hard, Laila.

This song, 2 years ago, we were singing and screaming in the car together. We did this everytime we went out for a dinner. She studied here, in Unisel. I met her quite often. I'll try to be there when she's in fear due to blackout or any current cases. Eveytime I send her back, she'll asked me to wait ;

"Kak Wan jangan balik selagi tak nampak Laila sampai dpn rumah tau. Tunggu tau. Laila naik ni."

After that, she'll be waving at me with naughty smile. Happy because I treated her like a child.

I suffer from depression. I have some kind of mental disorder due to overthinking for a year. I didn't meet any of my junior during this period. I even hope I don't love anyone, anymore. I'm afraid that i'll lose any of them again. I lose hope. My faith was at it's lowest point. I'm afraid of everything especially myself.

In my mind "Kenapa lah aku tak mati je masa aku masuk hospital dulu"

That was crazy. I know. Macam orang takde pedoman.

I'm recovering, still. Those people who stay, let me sleep beside them whenever i'm alone, listen to my nonsense talk, rationalize my negative thought and keep mee standing until now, Allah je mampu balas jasa korang.

Sampai skrng masih belum boleh duduk sorang. I hate being alone. I don't like the road I usually use to meet her, I hate Sec 7 now because it remind me of her.

Laila, do you miss me?

Addict.

Addicted to kindness. This whole week i was not that busy as I used to be. Maybe because of the FYP showcase so I have extra time to stay in mahallah. It was around 12pm when a sister asked in the group, is there any runner available because someone is sick. At first, I was so lazy. I was like;

"Nah, it's okay. Others will help"

 I continue doing my work but I was not at ease. My mind said "Allah has given you the chance to do good deeds, it's your choice now"

My lazyness lose, my angelic side won hahaha.

Then I replied in the group, i'm not a runner but I can help. Then I pm-ed the one who asked for help but she turned out giving me a contact number of other sis (a nigerian). She said, pls contact this sis, she's the one who need help and bad Aisyah is bad, dalam hati I was like

 "Eh dia nak mntk tolong kita pulak kena pm". Huhu jahat gila aku ni.

Alhamdulillah the Nigerian sis contacted me first (omg my ego, slap me pls) and she listed what she need. The way she asked was quite demanding ( but it's their culture). Memang macam tu sikit so aku yg baran ni dalam hati "Sabar Cah, jangan judge."

So i go buy food for her and I walked to her block. As I arrived at her room, I saw a woman, lemah tak bermaya. Dia berdiri pun kena pegang kerusi. She looks so weak. Aku menyesal geram geram tadi. Tu lah, buat kerja ikhlas tak ikhlas memang.

Aku sebut lah total harga, dia tanya aku naik apa. Aku kata, aku bukan runner tp aku free so I helped. Aku jalan sebab Ameenah ke Hafsa tu dekat je. Kalau naik motor tu pemalas abadi. Dia macam terharu sngt weh. Serius.

Dia nak bayar lebih tp aku bagi baki dia. Tu bukan hak aku. Hak aku, adalah ke atas dia. Tolong sesama muslim. Dia insist nak bagi tp aku dalam keadaan yg sngt sngt memerlukan doa dan aku cari benda yg aku boleh buat untuk orang, untuk tutup dosa dosa aku yg banyak. Aku kata, aku taknak duit, doakan aku, cukuplah. This one come from my heart sebab aku rasa diri aku kotor sngt, macam tk sampai je doa aku T-T

Dekat situ jugak dia doakan aku macam macam weh. Direct. Macam cakap biasa je doa dia tu tapi menusuk ke hati. Betapa ikhlasnya dia nk banding dengan aku yg tolong acuh tak acuh. Dia siap tanya bilik aku dekat mana, nanti sihat nak datang melawat tp aku tak bagi sebab aku bukan melekat dkt bilik pun haha.

Aku balik ddengan dada yang sebak , hati yg kesal tapi berselimutkan syukur sebab Allah izinkan aku tolong orang haritu.

Ak tulis dekat sini, supaya satu hari nanti kalau aku alpa, moga Allah lintaskan hati aku untuk baca balik. Moga aku sentiasa bersyukur.

Alhamdulillah ya Allah, for everything.

Sesak

Bila iman pun hanyut,
Jiwa pula sesak dan lemas.

Sampai tak dapat nak beza apakah ini gangguan ataupun cuma igauan.

Paling sakit, andai datangnya dari diri sendiri. Dari lemahnya iman, dari rapuhnya pedoman.

Aku doakan siapa siapa yang terganggi dengan apa apa juga pada iman dan hatinya, dikurniakan Allah sebentuk ketabahan. Sakit. Benar benar.

Doakan aku juga kuat. Aku tidak tahu mahu fikir apa. Yang pasti, jiwa aku kotor, jiwa layu, semangat sendu.

Semoga Allah titipkan kekuatan buat semua.

Berlumur Dosa

Banyak masa aku rasa bukannya aku tak sedia bila ada orang cuba approach cumanya aku rasa aku ni berlumur dosa. Maksudnya, bila satu masa betul betul ditakdirkan kena hidup dengan sesiapa lah sbgi partner, aku risau dosa dosa aku ni jadi penghalang utk orang lain bahagia. Penghalang kepada kebaikan yg sepatutnya dtng kepada dia. Aku risau orang terpaksa tanggung akibat dari dosa aku. Kalau aku berdosa, biar aku tanggung sendiri.

Sebabtu setiap kali ada orang kata suka tu, pertama mestilah aku persoalkan. Suka tu sampai tara mana je kau boleh bawa. Suka yang suka suka atau suka yg nak cari bahagia sampai bila bila. Kedua, aku akan kata jangan suka aku. Tolonglah suka orang lain. Aku rasa sakit bila orang baik baik suka aku ni. Cari lain, serius. Aku tak baik mcm kau sangka. Kalau rupa yg kau ukur, rupa juga aku tiada. Kalau kau rasa kau pun tak baik, aku lebih lagi dr tu. Nak lawan? Tak. Perempuan selalu menang.

Biar sesuci mana pun orang nampak aku, sebolehnya aku cuba utk nampak buruk. Aku jadi diri sendiri. Buruk kan?

Jangan suka itu kerana apa yang kau nampak zahirnya pada aku. Hina aku banyak. Allah dan aku je yang tahu.

Aku nasihatkan, pilih pasangan biar betul betul :)

Kalau orang tanya bila masanya aku akan bersedia. Cincin dkt tangan aku ni tanda. Kalau aku cabut, ye mungkin aku sedia. Cincin ni, umi bagi. Selagi aku pakai aku masih tetap nak terikat dengan abah umi.